Another journal type entry, sorry for the not so happy post... I just received all my medical records in the mail yesterday, the records from my pregnancy with Sierra, Noah, etc... I decided to read through the records and now the sadness and anger have stepped back in... For those who have no idea what I'm talking about. In 2003 I lost a baby girl who we named Sierra Iris, at 34 weeks gestation. I had not felt movement and so I went into the hospital where they declared her deceased... No reason was ever found... She was born on December 10th, 2003, weighed 4 pounds 2 oz, and was 19 inches long, with long dark hair...
The anger is what is really getting to me. Angry at myself for never holding Sierra or seeing her :*( It just kills me inside every time I think about how stupid I was. Who would not hold their baby, especially if they were never going to see them again? I think that is the part that upsets me the most, (I feel like Ive posted this before) and then also that when I decided to see her, they had already taken her away ( only a few hours later!) when they had said that she would be available if I changed my mind.. How messed up is that???? I do have 2 photos, one of her face and one of her hands, but its not the same... It does help, but its not the same... I feel like I never got a chance to tell her good bye or that I love her, one last time.. :*(
Also what makes me sad was how all the records mention how "perfect" everything was, all her organs were perfect, she had all ten fingers and all ten toes, there was nothing wrong with her at all, she was a tad small for her gestation, but all my babies are small and so I'm sure that had nothing to do with it :(
Anyway, It just makes me feel empty inside... Strange how its been 6 years and the pain can still come back just as strong... The pain does pass but it never goes away.. This morning, I cant stop crying, and its been a LONG time since Ive felt like this... I'm sure it will too pass...By posting this Im not looking for sympathy, so no need to post "Im sorry" etc.. etc... just hoping to get this off my chest. I sometimes even hate posting things like this because I know I will be judged for "still" grieving my little girl, its bothers me, but until those people are in my shoes they will never know... and actually it is normal, so please dont judge and tell me to move on, because I have moved on, but I do still miss her at times.. I can tell you that losing one child has made me feel so blessed to have the sweet children that I do have... They are little miracles..
~*Sierras tiny footprints*~
~*Sierra In Ultrasound 4 days before she passed*~
3 comments:
Andrea, I can't imagine many things harder than this. Your post was very touching and I'm pretty sure it's something you don't really ever "get over." Reading about sweet little Sierra and all of your emotions made me cry! Thanks for sharing this.
Honey, with tears in my eyes also I understand exactly how you feel. We will never know why things worked out like they did, and the sadness of not holding her tugs at my heartstrings also. We will always feel sorrow, and will always miss her but know that she was so perfect and that God had a better plan for her. I promise you she knows how much she was loved. Some day we will have all the answers. She is truly always in my heart and will always be our little angel.
:(....
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